[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Birds & Planes.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them