[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
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BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
*cough*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for