Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.