me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not