I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
his wife is probably gonna see that
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.