Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?