for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
So glad we cleared that up
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!