4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Sheep
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Omg 🤣
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.