My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.