For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important