Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Is….Is this an option?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Are you ok, human???
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?