Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.