Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.