Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
This is my emotional support knife.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug