[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Venn
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded