Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.