There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Dietest Coke
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.