cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.