I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Oh, I bet you would be
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?