When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You Might Also Like
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
never forget
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this