Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings