“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
one of
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming