Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.