ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.