What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
time machine? you mean a clock?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.