Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.