*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
#JohnTravolta
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude