Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Still my favourite meme.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
This did not end as expected.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.