How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Have a lovely day 😊
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”