One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Bike is short for Bichael.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination