Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When ur friends with white people
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.