the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”