My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.