My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You Might Also Like
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.