If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.