I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
girls literally only want one thing..
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I occasionally drink every single night.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere