I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
You Might Also Like
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story