Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question