If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
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First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.