if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
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Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.