me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
God, I love Scotland
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.