My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Ron is short for Aaronald
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.