Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
You Might Also Like
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals