“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
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I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011