Not all heroes wear capes…
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!