Thank you corporation very cool
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Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines