“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I am HOWLING at this
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?