If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.