what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
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I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”