You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no